I'm a Lover not a Fighter
by MutedClamour
Summary: McCoy watches Jim with Spock. Kirk/McCoy. Language. Onesided.


**Disclaimer: I own nothing but the story itself.**

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**I'm a Lover, not a Fighter**

It is no secret on the ship. The Captain and the First Officer. You won't go down a corridor without a crew member gossiping about you two. You won't hear about the Chief Medical Officer that watches and wonders.

I've noticed you've been smiling a bit more. It not the usual grin when you joke around, when you have a plan up your sleeve. It's no reassuring smile you give me when I patch you up. No, that smile isn't for me. _It's for him._

_I'm a doctor, not an emotional teenager._

Don't expect to find a sappy poem on my data pad and I wouldn't be caught dead linking you with any romantic songs, quoting the most emotional line. These are merely observations. A doctor must be observant. These are merely...observations, I'd like to believe.

Since when the hell did I start making up excuses to myself like this? I won't lie to myself. Fine, I like you. Happy now? Took me a while to get over the divorce and even consider any type of relationship with anyone and I still haven't learned from my mistakes. I'd tell you how I'm feeling if I could,

Of course not, as if I would tell you that at your face right now. I'm not selfish enough to tell you that while you're with that damn Vulcan.

_Maybe one day._

Since when the hell did I start becoming so hopeful?

You don't visit the Med bay as much now, not that you did before, willingly at least. Forgetting a check up is the worst excuse I've ever heard from you, I expect something a little better and more creative.

I shrug it off as best as I can. I understand, you're captain now and he's your first officer, it's best to be close and stay on both your good sides. In a way I'm a bit thankful for your wide range of allergies and tendency to get in trouble. They let me remember you'll always come back. And you'll always be back until there's no breath in your lungs anymore and I'll simply blame myself for not being fast enough, for not trying hard enough.

I munch at my food a little slower when I notice you eyeing the Vulcan during lunch. Your hand reaches for his and I don't move my head to the side fast enough to miss your fingers touching in that affectionate gesture. Yes, I know what that is. You're not as subtle as you think, Jim.

_I'm a doctor, not an idiot._

I won't be the one to split you apart. Don't make you go through what I have one too many times. I won't tell you what's right and what's wrong because I've obviously haven't been the greatest role model for relationships.

Love is blind; I won't blame you for this. Sometimes you start falling for the wrong people. Sometimes you start falling for the right people at the wrong time. I won't fight over you. We both know I wouldn't stand a chance. Maybe we could laugh about it when I'm in the Med bay and you patch me up for once. As if.

_I'm a doctor, not a suicidal maniac._

I'd like to see you tie a bandage properly without my help and like hell I'll let you treat me with a hypo. I already apologized for that allergic reaction when I snuck you onto the Enterprise. Revenge doesn't suit you well, Jim. Just like jealousy with a best friend.

I can't remember who ever said, it takes a true friend to be happy for what the other has but I suppose who ever that sap was, he was right. And I'm not too sure what friend I am right now-

Maybe it's best to set this aside. We're friends and nothing more and I shouldn't ask for anything else or risk the bond we have. It'll hurt to get over this but I'll manage. Don't worry over me. A doctor needs to be detached to survive anyways.

Don't come to me when you think I'm ignoring you, it won't help me. Engrossing myself in work seems the best thing to do. If the forms aren't enough, I always got you coming back to me with a few injured crew members. I wish I were a little stronger, a little faster to have told you first but Fate seems to have other ideas for me.

The damn Vulcan seems to have gotten the longer straw in this game, but there's always another coming along. The bystander isn't always so bad; I'll fix where he went wrong should the time ever come. I can wait.

Because, damnit,

_I'm a lover, not a fighter._


End file.
